


The War

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Kyungsoo doesn't know how old Baekhyun is but he's legal, M/M, No one dies though, Non-Explicit Sex, Very angst, War, baeksoo - Freeform, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 10:42:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12505592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I’m surviving. Breathing. But every breath hurts because I miss you. And I pray every night, even not believing in God, for you not to miss me."





	The War

Kyungsoo dreamt everyday about quitting his shitty job and coming home to bury himself in Baekhyun; lately, it was the only thing giving him some kind of pleasure. When you have a fucked up life, little things turn into great accomplishments -not that Baekhyun was anywhere close to a “little thing” to Kyungsoo.

 

But while he was stuck working at this old market on the outskirts of town, Kyungsoo had to deal with all those people, all the noise and all the questions. His head hurt, buzzing like a broken radio and all he wanted was a little quiet and peace. He also missed his cigarettes; it was terrible to work eight hours a day with only the lunch break to take the edge off his nerves.

 

“Shit,” His curses were silent while Kyungsoo, for the eleventh time that day, restocked the cinnamon cookies in one of the highest shelves and tried not to completely lose his cool, kick everything and then throw his resignation letter on top of his boss’ table and never see his sweaty hideous face again. Sometimes, Kyungsoo wondered where did things go so wrong that he ended up where he currently was, and his head hurt even more. He’d like to have good memories, to be a fuck-up who already had nice things in life; but honestly, he didn’t even had good times to miss. It was bad from the start.

 

As soon as he was off the clock, Kyungsoo left his restocking unfinished, not caring in the least about the next person on shift. He just grabbed his bag from the employees room and left that goddamned place, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone on his way out. His fingers were already shaking by the time he lighted his first cigarette after a whole four hours without any nicotine in his body. The smoke inside did him good, and Kyungsoo could only laugh at his spiteful self, going through his cigarette just like a fucking addicted, which he didn’t doubt for a minute that he was.

 

He kicked a stray can on the street on his way home and wished he had more money to buy more expensive beer, like the one that had just rolled into the sidewalk, but he didn’t had any money to spend on such things; his paycheck barely cover the rent of the old apartment he lived with Baekhyun as it was.

 

Kyungsoo carded his fingers through his hair, noting it was too greasy again. He needed to wash it when he got home, but he and Baekhyun were saving water lately after spending a whole month showering at their neighbor’s house after having their water cut - a sweet old lady with too many cats and empty space in her house, who seemed just as lost in life as them.

 

He needed to go up what seemed like a gazillion stairs to get home, because they lived in a building so old it had no elevators, but Kyungsoo was grateful for it anyways. Living on the highest floor meant a cheaper rent, and Kyungsoo wouldn’t turn it down even if his lungs burned with every step he took. It was better than being homeless, after all.

 

The front door opened with a loud noise, making Kyungsoo wince at it while he closed it with his feet. Throwing the few groceries he grabbed at the market on their kitchen table, he turned the living room lights on and sighed at the mostly empty apartment. He had been saving some money for a couch, but he doubted he would manage to buy it in the end. The mattress on the floor would have to do.

 

“Baekhyun?” He called, throwing his cigarette butt out of the window and reaching to light another one, trying not to think. Don’t think. Baekhyun was on the mattress on the floor, curled up on himself while watching TV, just like a kid. And he was one. How old was Baekhyun again? Seventeen? Eighteen? Kyungsoo couldn’t remember if he was already legal, but probably would end up in jail anyways if anyone discovered he was fucking a (possibly) minor. Some addictions didn’t have a cure, though.

 

He found the boy a couple of years ago. He was just as fucked as Kyungsoo, maybe even more. Baekhyun was just as lost as he was, and it caught his attention; the young boy who sold his body for food certainly made Kyungsoo look a second time at him, and take the boy to himself. Kyungsoo wasn’t that much older than Baekhyun, three or four years, maybe, but he felt the need to take care of the other. It wasn’t an act of kindness, it was more like... _despair._  He was so desperate to fill the hole in his chest with anything so that the thoughts would just _go away._  Maybe, if he met someone who was even worse than him, maybe he would see how much life is beautiful. It was, without a question, the worst decision in his life and, damnit, Kyungsoo was all made of bad decisions. If he hadn’t invited Baekhyun to come live with him that night, what would he be doing now?

 

Sometimes, the only way to stop crying was thinking that his boy was okay.

 

Kyungsoo barely had time to take of his ugly uniform when pale delicate hands touched his. Baekhyun had gotten up from the mattress and was now looking at Kyungsoo like he was everything the boy could possibly want, and it shattered his heart. Baekhyun was too good for a place like this, for a small and old and smelly apartment on god-knows-where, and for all of Kyungsoo’s flaws; he was too pure to live surrounded by bad things in a world who already had made him suffer so much. Sometimes, he thought about pulling a bullet through his own head after killing Baekhyun as well. The boy was too good for a world that wouldn’t have mercy on him, a world who never saw the endless kindness in those deep brown eyes. To the world, that wouldn’t be the sweetest smile, and the gentlest voice. Kyungsoo was so broken, and still, he had something so precious between his fingers...

 

As Baekhyun tiptoed to reach his lips, Kyungsoo wondered how low could someone actually get. Because he was sure he already was at the limit because, God, he kissed Baekhyun back and didn’t regretted it even for a minute. He was sure that the boy knew exactly what effect he had on Kyungsoo, and took advantage of his weaknesses. Kyungsoo wasn’t a weak man. When you have something, you automatically can lose it, and Kyungsoo already lost too many things to let Baekhyun become one of them.

 

“Hyung...” He whispered, looking right into Kyungsoo’s eyes. “I missed you.”

 

Baekhyun didn’t get an answer. Kyungsoo didn’t know what to say, how to tell him that he had missed him too, too fucking much. The part of his day that was the least terrible was when he buried his head on Baekhyun’s neck, inhaling deeply the scent that came off his unmarked pretty skin, just to assure him he was okay.

 

The room was silent while Baekhyun gazed into his eyes, the only noise being the news anchor on the TV talking about their country’s political issues. If Kyungsoo knew how much those words would change his life, he would’ve had made sure to listen.

 

 

\--

 

The next morning, everything was different. Baekhyun was shaking him awake, telling him to get up and see the news; the boy pointed at the television, his beautiful eyes wide and scared while he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. They were in the mattress on the living room, naked, and the sun rays that escaped through the curtain touched the unblemished skin of Baekhyun’s shoulders, making it impossible to look away.

 

“The province of Gyeonggi is completely destroyed. At least 1.500 are confirmed dead and the number of wounded is said to be at least three times greater. North Korea officially revoked the peace treaty. We are at war.”

 

The words coming from the TV hit Kyungsoo before he could even take his eyes off Baekhyun’s pale skin. The boy sat down in the mattress, hugging his own legs, his expression one of terror. They were at war. Everything was twice as heavy as Kyungsoo walked to work that morning, his own expression looking even harsher than it usually is. At the market, no one said a word; some of his coworkers didn’t even show up, and the ones who did could barely focus. They could be the next ones dead, anytime now. Kyungsoo honestly wished that a bomb fell on their heads and killed everyone, but he kept quiet. No one had to know that.

 

They all went through their day scared, doing all the work mechanically and paying close attention to any news that got through the old television hanged near the bread section, it’s static sounding like a curse. Kyungsoo was already at home with Baekhyun, though, when the information they were all waiting for finally came.

 

“The President decreed that all men twenty one or older, without any mental, health or physic complications must enlist the army to serve our country in this war. Every and each one of you is necessary in this moment of conflict.”

 

That was when Kyungsoo noted that there was no going back. He looked at Baekhyun on his side, and the boy had his eyes full of tears, which poured down his face. Kyungsoo almost begged for him to stop crying, because he couldn’t stand to see his boy sad. Baekhyun was wearing an old Spiderman shirt, knee socks that had holes in them and his hair was pointing in every direction. He would always be the most beautiful person Kyungsoo ever saw.

 

“Why are you crying, kid?” It was an habit calling him that, seeing that Kyungsoo was a kid himself. He just had to grow up sooner, is all.

 

“Because you’re going to war.” Baekhyun answered, crying harder after saying it, like it made everything suddenly more real. “Hyung, please...”

 

“It doesn’t matter, Baekhyun.” __I’ve never wanted to live anyways__. “Stop crying. Men don’t cry.” He told him, wiping some tears away with his thumbs.

 

“Then- Then I don’t want to be a men.” Baekhyun was the prettiest person in the world. Kyungsoo wondered if he even knew that. He carded his hands through his boy’s soft hair, trying not to show how broken he felt. Broken like he never was before, and it had nothing to do with the war approaching them at full speed. He would fight a thousand wars for Baekhyun.

 

That night, when he packed, he only grabbed the essential; there wasn’t any space for unnecessary things. He wanted to take the keyrings Baekhyun gifted him for Christmas, but ended up putting them back in the bedside drawer, afraid of breaking or losing them. Or never returning them.

 

When he kissed Baekhyun that night, it tasted like a goodbye. When he touched Baekhyun that night, Kyungsoo did it with all the love he could muster, with almost religious devotion; the pleasure wasn’t purely physical, it was something coming from deep inside, where Kyungsoo was afraid to even reach. When he saw Baekhyun underneath him, his eyes were full of tears again and it contrasted with his flushed cheeks and swollen lips.

 

“Promise me you won’t wait for me.” Kyungsoo asked him, eyes burning with unshed tears, touching the line of the boy’s neck and watching while goosebumps broke through his skin. When he blinked, Kyungsoo tried to convince himself that what fell on Baekhyun’s chest was a drop of sweat.

 

“Hyung...”

 

“Promise me.”

 

“I- I can’t.”

 

“You can. You can do whatever you want, Baekhyun. You’re so special.”

 

“You will come back, hyung. You will come back to me and then we- we... I can’t promise you that.”

 

“Just promise me, Baekhyun.”

 

Baekhyun hesitated for a few seconds and Kyungsoo saw so many things going through his dark eyes that he asked himself how the hell could the world keep existing after Baekhyun was gone from it. Somehow, the whole world should just stop to listen to his heartbeat, hear his beautiful voice and fall in love again and again. Because he was like paradise surrounded by pure hell, and Kyungsoo couldn’t handle the tears that wouldn’t stop streaming down his boy’s face.

“I promise.”

 

\--

 

 

Byun Baekhyun was waiting at the door when Kyungsoo left. He had told himself that he would leave without looking back; to not hesitate, not kiss him one last time. But Kyungsoo didn’t have any honor and never would. The backpack slipped through his fingers when he looked back at Baekhyun one last time, frozen at the doorstep with his pale legs barely covered by another comics shirt. Kyungsoo felt his heart drop to his feet as he walked towards the boy, embracing him close to his heart.

 

The last kiss, he promised himself. Kyungsoo wouldn’t survive a war and this fact made him almost go crazy with the perspective of never laying his eyes on Baekhyun another time, never tasting his lips again. It hurt like hell. It hurt like it never had before, not even when his stepfather raped him while his mother watched, all those years ago. Kyungsoo never said that he loved Baekhyun, but it wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t a secret; not anymore.

 

He thought of saying that Baekhyun was the most precious thing he ever had, but he knew. So this time, when Kyungsoo turned to leave his boy, he didn’t look back.

 

\--

 

 

Wars aren’t pretty. Many years ago, Kyungsoo had gotten a tattoo: __make love, not war.__  At that time, he still believed life could get better, believed that, someday, he would have children who would sit on his lap and listen to his stories. But at some point of his twenty two years, reality hit him so hard it left Kyungsoo breathless. There were clouds of sulfur in the air, bombs dropping everywhere and death. So, so many deaths. Sometimes, he could only stop crying at the thought that none of those bodies were Baekhyun’s, and he was safe.

 

Kyungsoo was a selfish piece of shit.

 

They ate canned food, mostly heated by makeshift bonfires somewhere dirty and dark. Sometimes they could get his hands on fruits, but it didn’t feed all of the soldiers allocated to that specific war zone. In rare occasions there was music coming from an old guitar they found in an abandoned building, and that was the only moment the world seemed to be silent. Men in uniforms wrote to their wives with pieces of paper found with much cost; finding a phone or even connection was like finding a diamond, not that those would have much value to starved and hurt men.

 

Sometimes, Kyungsoo tried to write Baekhyun letters, but words didn’t come to him and he couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentences.

 

_Hey, Baekhyun..._

_Things are so hard sometimes that I usually think of giving up on all of this. But then I think about everything you gave me in such a short period of time, and realize that the only way I can repay you is to fight for a place where your children can live in peace._

_Sometimes I miss you so much that it feels like physical pain. I constantly think about all I’ve been through and I noticed that nothing was nearly as painful or good as all the times we made love. Please, always make love. Don’t ever make war. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and I wish I haven’t lost you._

_I’m surviving. Breathing. But every breath hurts because I miss you. And I pray every night, even not believing in God, for you not to miss me._

Kyungsoo didn’t send any of those letters and they all piled up in his backpack, until he needed to make another bonfire and burned them all, one by one, like a ritual. But all the love he had inside him didn’t die and turned to ashes, though. Sighing, he let his head hang down. When did he turn into a romantic? He was so tired...

 

After the first year of war, he had more scars than most people have in a lifetime. On the three-day break they had every four months, Kyungsoo slept with hookers and felt so dirty afterwards that he vomited every night. He saw their ribs almost breaking through skin, their hair that smelled like pot. He tried to dream about Baekhyun’s scent, but, don’t matter how hard he tried, he could never remember it. Even deaf on one ear the moans still sounded fake, and the tension never left his body.

 

Kyungsoo had made it for far longer that he even thought, and the more he thought about it, the more he wished he had died.

 

\--

 

 

 

It was in the second year of war when Kyungsoo saw Byun Baekhyun again.

 

The uniform weighted downs his body and his colleagues all made noise around him, trying to find at least one hooker before having to go back to camp. Everything Kyungsoo wished for, though, was going to sleep and never waking up again. Sleeping with a prostitute would never bring good results, and never be of pleasure when he had already slept with Baekhyun, but he was so tired that he just followed them. He just wanted a bed, some cigarettes and silence. Maybe a beer. And a gun.

 

Kyungsoo wasn’t used to look around while walking. It was an old habit of growing up wanting to go unnoticed in a broken world, trying to disguise how broken he himself was. But, that afternoon, he looked to the side and found a magazine which made his heart race like he never thought it would again.

 

There, on the cover, was his boy. Even with photoshop distorting his face and frozen on the paper, Kyungsoo would recognize him. He looked older, more mature and independent. The shock made him stop in his tracks, getting left behind by the other soldiers who were deep in their conversation. He bought the magazine and started to browse it desperately, and in each one of the pages Baekhyun posed with different clothes, as serious as one could get, which didn’t fit him at all.

 

It didn’t take long for Kyungsoo to discover that his boy was now a model. He bought every magazine that Baekhyun featured in, and that turned into a vicious cycle for him. At the third year of war, Kyungsoo had more magazines than he’d like to admit; when he couldn’t carry them anymore, he ripped Baekhyun’s pictures and burned the rest of the pages. It was on one of those magazines that he discovered that Baekhyun got engaged to the daughter of an important man, and would marry soon. It was madness, and Kyungsoo knew -he couldn’t keep doing this. He was more tired than ever, and had giving up on fighting a long time ago. Every night he prayed that he got shot in the head, so that his suffering finally ended.

 

When he got hurt enough to get released from the army, though, he realized that he only had lost three years of his life trying to fight a war that would never be over. And, more than that, left the only person he ever loved.

 

\--

 

“Our blueberry pie is absolutely delicious, sir.” The pretty waitress suggested, dressed in a floral dress and an apron. Kyungsoo frowned, reading her lips to understand her; after so many bombs dropping around him, he was completely deaf in one ear and partially on the other.

 

“A blueberry pie it is, then.” Kyungsoo agreed.

 

The cafe TV was on and Kyungsoo wondered if he could ask for them to turn it off. He didn’t have the will or power to see the war anymore. He fixed his beanie to cover his hair and got his earphones on -it had become an habit to pretend to not hear anything to save future embarrassment for really not hearing anything. Or almost anything, actually.

 

It had been a long time since he came back to his home city. This was the cafe he always imagined bringing Baekhyun to one day, when they both passed in front of it but didn’t had the money to even buy a cup of coffee. Now Kyungsoo had a good amount of money for his services, but, to be honest, he preferred the times where he didn’t knew if he would eat the next day, but, at night, had his boy in his arms.

 

His pie arrived and he took a bite, still not looking around him, the old habit never going away. But that day, just like when he found Baekhyun’s magazine, he looked.

 

Baekhyun entered the cafe, hand in hand with a tall and graceful woman -his shirt didn’t have a single wrinkle and they had matching rings on their fingers. Kyungsoo got so startled that he dropped his cane, the piece of wood hitting the floor with a loud sound. Baekhyun, walking by him at that exact time, lowered himself with grace and took the cane in his long delicate fingers. He didn’t even look at Kyungsoo once as he gave it back. Their fingers touched for a moment and Kyungsoo took the cane, hiding himself even more in his big coat, not even tasting the last bite of pie he shoved in his mouth.

 

When Baekhyun sat down at one of the window tables with his fiancée, Kyungsoo silently paid for his pie and left the cafe with his cane, limping his way out.

 

At the first opportunity he got, Kyungsoo washed his hands.

__

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was, well, a ride. 
> 
> I don't like to make Kyungsoo suffer, or Baekhyun, and I really don't know where this came from. I'm sorry.
> 
> Oh! Also, this is unbeta-ed; if you notice any mistakes, please feel free to tell me.


End file.
